In the birthday card my parents mailed to Avelyn, my dad wrote, “Being gifted means getting a 10-month head start on the terrible two’s.” Oh, he found the proverbial nail and smacked it on the head so hard, my ears are still ringing. I was thinking back to how Avelyn was a fairly easy-going infant: she slept through the night early on, she was quick to smile and didn’t mind being toted around town. Even by her first birthday she was still generally compliant and laid back. But as she neared the 14-month mark, I saw the sparks behind her eyes ignite. Her little will began to emerge and it was, evidently, made of titanium. If something was not her idea, she wanted nothing to do with it. I was unable to take her for walks in the stroller anymore since she despised being strapped down and was not capable of understanding that we were just going to go for a 30 minute stroll, not a day-long trek through the wilderness. She howled when I wrangled her into her carseat and I resigned myself to the screaming, whether we were going for a quick jaunt uptown or a drive to the big city. It was miserable.
As she grew and developed, her verbal skills improved and that made things a lot easier, in some respects. And harder, in others. She is now able to tell me what she wants, but as a parent it’s not my job to simply give her whatever her greedy little heart desires the moment she demands it. If I did, she would sit on the couch, naked, sucking on a bottle of milk, eating donuts and watching Arthur DVDs for days on end, since those are the things she asks for most often. (Bottle? Naked? Arthur? DONUUUUUUT!”) I guess I’d like to do the same, but life just doesn’t work that way. Most days.
There have been times in the past months when I have let myself feel defeated by her angry outbursts and temper tantrums and general irritability, thinking, “I have such a hard kid! Why does she have to be so hard?! Everyone else’s kids are easy!” But after talking with other moms of two year-olds, I am beginning to realize that most of them are hard. They are selfish, and grumpy, and testy, and violent. And that’s just the way it’s going to be for a while.
The thing that I have been overwhelmed by is the fact that it’s my job to do something about it.
My mom used to tell us, “I love you too much to let you grow up to be a brat,” and that’s something I think of often. Left to her own devices, without any parental intervention, Avelyn would grow up to be a terror. A naked, bottle-sucking, donut-eating terror. It’s my job to mold and shape her, to teach her compassion and good manners, to show her how to share, to explain why it’s bad to chest-bump people (I wish I were kidding about this one- she body slams all her friends), to model why vegetables are not the devil, to create fair boundaries for her to explore the world within.
But here’s the problem: I have no idea what I’m doing.
I know that we are all just doing our best, trying to keep the S.S. Parent afloat through these uncharted waters, but man, it’s hard some days. Am I being too hard on her? Am I squashing her spirit? Or am I being too easy on her? Is she turning into a manipulative brat? That’s how my pendulum swings and I can’t seem to stop its momentum.
I do have a “spirited” daughter. She is strong-willed and fierce and emotional. And while that’s what often exhausts me most about her, it’s also what I love the best. I see the fire in her eyes and it makes me proud that she is strong. I see her fling her angry body on the floor in a fit and it makes me happy that she’s standing up for what she believes in. I hear her hearty laugh and it makes my heart swell to see her experience the joy of life so intensely.
She might look like her daddy, but she’s got her momma’s fire, and I’m just doing my best to keep it to a controlled burn.
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People often tell me my “spirited” daughter (3 years old this past May) is just like me; and if that means she’s independent, self-assured, assertive and passionate, than I say, “HELL YA.â€
Here’s to raising daughters!
Well,my dear girl, you have just repeated the VERY SAME WORDS I used to say about you! And look how well you turned out.Some one once told me yhat the debt you owe to your parents you pay through your children. I don’t really know if that’s true, but I do know that parenting is really hard work, that often goes unappreciated.From what I see, you are doing a really good job of raising Avelyn; you are a wonderful Mommy who wants the best for her kid, which doesn’t mean always giving in to her demands and tantrums.You pick your battles, and be consistent in what you will not tolerate.Don’t sell yourself short–you are a very capable woman, and I am so proud of you.
“I see the fire in her eyes and it makes me proud that she is strong.” Couldn’t have said it much better myself. That spunk will also enable her to tell drug pushers and their ilk which bus to take out of town, and to wait for marriage until she finds a real man.
Good for you for seeing the ‘good’ in the ‘bad’. All those challenging traits will serve her well as she ages. And you are a great Momma and she is blessed to have someone like you.
ok, that post was hilarious. I could totally imagine avelyn sitting on the couch naked, drinking gallons of milk and eating boxes of donuts. I think every 2 year old tries to find their own voice and while it’s important to allow them to express themselves, they do need boundaries. I think you’re doing a great job with that kid. And if she ever gets to be too much, you can always send her to shelley’s toddler boot camp. I’ll whip her into shape ;)
I can so relate to this. My daughter turned 2 in March and I swear I hit the terrible twos about 8 months before that. When her opinion shows it really shows. I always tell my husband I can either laugh or cry and I always just try to laugh (although that seems to make her even more mad!).
Good luck!
Fabulous post. Two year olds are wonderful, aren’t they? ;)
This is great! I absolutely feel ya. My girl is such a spit fire at only 18 months. sigh.
I love that first comment! Absolutely, if Avelyn has your “spirit” she will grow into a confident, beautiful, loving, hilarious (because you never cease to make me laugh) woman, who have people gravitating to her.
That’s great for the woman she’s going to be and probably the reason that by the time both of your daughters are grown you will have to have pixie short hair to hide the bald spots! Good thing you know your mom survived – if she can do it so can you!
Monday Confession: I used to be just like Avelyn. But then I turned 30 and now the only similarity is the donut-love. :)
I hope the terrible soon turns into terrific!
Awesome post! I’m sure you’re doing a great job and I encourage you. Maybe lil’ sissy will bring out the best in Avelyn.
Good luck!
I love you even more after reading this post. Hudson is 20 months, and it’s totally HIS way, or NO way at all. He drives me bonkers some days. And since his vocabulary is limited to a handful of words…there are many times I have to guess why the “world is ending” in his eyes. “What’s wrong…you want Ernie? Bert? Big Bird? Are you hungry? Do you want to go to sleep? What??? What is it??? Show me! Ahhhhhh!!!!
When does it end?
What a well-written post! I am also the parent of a smart and spirited child (I have a 3-year old boy and a girl, 5 months) and I know how hard it can be… but it’s so important to think of their traits in a positive light, too.
Just remember, it’s only a phase – and as soon as you get used to dealing with it, she’ll be through it and on to something else.
My daughter was the same. She was absolutely horrid between 18 months and 2, and then it actually seemed to tone down a little bit. A little. Tiny. Bit. lol. Good luck, and here’s to having spunky, determined daughters!
wow. That was amazingly well put. My 2.5yr old has never really had the “terrible twos” yet (knock on wood) but my 5 yr old went thru them with guns blazing!! Let’s hope 2nd time around is easier like it has been for me!!
There is a reason God made kids so cute. Two is definately a hard age for most kids. It is hard not to compare kids temperaments to those of their little friends. My girls have always been challanging in one sense or another and the challenges just change as they get older. I always found around their birthdays it was always worse for some reason. I still am dealing with tantrums from Brooklyn, only now she is alot harder to put into a time out, and is louder when she protests. Not that I give in, but man she tests me. I wish I had Supernanny when Delaney was 2. Avelyn is lucky to have a mom who cares so much. So many these days get so frustrated with 2 that the kids start to run the show. Keep up the good work.
Hang in there! You can do it. And being so concerned about breaking her spirit, you probably won’t.
Added. Nice work on this one. Btw, my blog is dofollow, stop by and grab a link. Walter
The fact that you have so many questions about your parenting and feel overwhelmed from time to time most likely means that you are being a fantastic parent. Nothing hurts and brings so much joy at the same time as being a mom.
My kids are 9 1/2 and 7. We are strict with them and have high expectations. They are happy, well-adjusted kids. We get compliments on their kindness and behavior from all over, yet I question my skills and moves every day. I feel an incredible amount of guilt for when I lose my patience with them…even when they push it beyond the limit.
BTW, I’ve got a lump in my throat after reading your post and the comment from your mom. What a great family you have!
I really like your dad! His comment is classic grandpa and just what my dad would say. Truth is all of us parents are in the same boat. We really don’t know what we’re doing, and each stage of our kids lives brings new challenges. Love that Avelyn – if she grows up to be like her mom – what a gift that would be!
We’ve been reading “Shepherding a Child’s Heart”. It deals with the issues of the heart of the child & helps to understand the biblical principles of childrearing & discipline. It’s been really helpful & we’ve noticed a change in Micah already. I could get you a copy. Its a light read & not too long.
Great post. I can totally relate, my 2-year old sounds very much like your Avelyn.
And, it’s so true, the very thing that drives us nuts, is the very thing about them that we love. It’s so great to see them so full of life and spirit.
none of us know what we’re doing. any mom who says she’s got it all figured out is probably drinking.
Dear Amanda
As the mother of five children (now grown) I truly believe that our children come into our lives to teach us something. My five have taught me much!! and continue to do so!
Just wanted to let you know that I would be happy to be in contact with you after the birth of your latest blessing should you need any help with breastfeeding.
Every birth, every baby is unique and it is likely that you will not have any challenges this time. But should you …. happy to do what I can.
Savour and enjoy these last days of pregnancy – you will never be pregnant with this baby again – this baby that is coming into your love and lives to teach you even more!
Hugs
Kathie
Beautiful picture! I’m sure Avelyn will grow out of her stubborn stage…And if not, good luck!!! It looks/sounds like your doing a great job!
Great post!
I keep waiting to comment, because I have so much to say! But alas, I don’t quite know where to start. Having two girls, both strong-willed (but in two completely different ways) I totally relate to what you’re going through. Firm, consistent, patient… that’s what I have to remind myself to be each day… ;)
Oh, how I feel you.
The comments were closed for the previous post. Happy Birthday you little spitfire . Thank you for keeping your mommy on her knees thanking God and pleading with God for wisdom. You seem like such a ray of light and hopefully one day Chloe will have the pleasure of being crazy with you.
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