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Two to One

I got a call from my doctor last week and she said, “I have the results from your ultrasound.”

OK, I thought. Strange that she’s calling at seven in the evening; I hope everything’s fine.

“Your baby looks fine and healthy. But I need to let you know that it had been a twin pregnancy.”

WHAT?!

“There were two embryonic sacs present at the ultrasound, but one was very small and had no fetus in it anymore. It looks to have been lost around six weeks,” she explained. “They were fraternal twins.”

I was speechless. And at a loss for reaction. I was shocked, but since I had never grown attached to the knowledge or idea of twins, I can’t say I felt a deep sense of loss. It made sense, though: why I looked 4 months pregnant at 6 weeks, why I was so sick but then suddenly felt better at 10 weeks, why Avelyn, from day one, had been telling everyone that I had a girl AND a boy in my belly.

I feel like I want to speak of this baby who we’ll never meet and acknowledge just how different our family’s story would have been if he or she had made it to us. It would have been a crazy ride, but he or she would have been welcomed and loved through it all.

Laurell - Shocked. Yet at the same time not.

We love you! We love all our nieces (and nephews?),too. Here and in heaven. :)

Jennie - That’s such hard news to hear, I imagine. We’ll just have to double up our love for this girl/boy.

EM - Sitting here in a bit of a daze, thinking it must be strange to get that kind of news. Praying for you all as you sift though your thoughts and emotions.

Jolene - Wow! I can’t believe Avelyn has been telling people that – amazing.

Nicole - I’m at a loss for words. Hope these coming days allow you to experience and heal in all the ways you need to.

Marie Green - That is pretty crazy news! Since I am a mother of twins, I tend to be drawn to shows that feature twin stuff. I saw one once on PBS, I think, that said that a HUGE percent of pregnancies start as two. They even argued that anyone who is left-handed very likely started with a twin. (Something about identical twins having mirrored genetics, and that being left handed is a mirror of the twins’ right-handed-ness).

Anyway, that is really shocking to find out. I hope you are doing ok!

Andria Stanley - Oh wow. I’m sorry… I know it’s shocking, and bewildering, and your emotions probably feel all over the place.

I had artificial insemination with Blake, and we knew from the beginning that two eggs had fertilized. The second, his twin, never developed a heartbeat, and I lost him/her. It was a strange feeling. I didn’t feel the same as I did when I had miscarried my singletons before, and maybe it was because I was still pregnant with Blake. There are times now, when he is in the full throes of toddlerhood, that I wonder HOW ON EARTH I could have ever managed twins. But, I’m sure I would have done what I had to do.

That fact Marie Green listed above is interesting… My daughter is a leftie!

Lisa - Wow, I am not sure how I would react to that kind of news either. It is crazy how many pregnancies start out as twins. Things happen the way they do for reasons we can’t even begin to know. I’m glad you are feeling better and that your little peanut is doing well in there! Take care!

Kristin - My condolences. That is hard to hear and I hope you’re okay.

Emma - Aw. I’m sorry.

margaret - I’m so sorry Amanda. I remember all too well the phone calls from my doctor saying “I’m sorry, but the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat” and my own profound sense of loss. While you still have one healthy baby inside, you will now probably wonder about his/her twin forever. It must be bewildering to feel a sense of loss over a baby you didn’t know existed before now, while celebrating the news that your other baby is doing well. Having had twins myself and then losing Calvin at six days old, I am forever wondering what our lives would have been like had he lived. Everytime Georgia reaches a milestone, I think of him and wonder if he would have been doing the same things…It’s hard, it changes you and makes you think differently and miss the possibility of what could have been. Sending you hugs…

Mama in the City - WOW Amanda. What news. Since you never knew about the twin do you feel a sense of loss or just accepted the news ‘as is’?

Angel - i’ve heard numerous times that the older siblings often guess the correct gender before anyone else knows!

christy - woah….crazy. I hope your okay. I’ll call you tomorrow. Twins….so amazing. I’m so sad for the loss Amanda. Miss you. I should be there to bring you goodies. Wish I was.

Teet

Ashley - That’s news that nobody is expecting to hear, let alone to deal with. We’re praying for you that God will give you peace. You may not have been expecting him/her but I’m sure you’ll love them as much as the baby you still carry, and one day you’ll get to tell them that in heaven :)

Margarita - Wow, that is seriously very saddening. I know how you feel though, you never knew, but it’s amazing that Avelyn said that. Wow.

Elizabeth - So sorry for your loss. Praying for comfort and health for the rest of the pregnancy.

Amy Q - I think I would want to acknowledge it too. It is tough to hear news like that…wow. Amazingly uncanny that Avelyn was thinking there was two. Kids have a crazy insight sometimes. Although if Stella’s current insight is right I am right now pregnant (I’m not) with HER baby that is a girl. Mine is not as insightful apparently.
I will be thinking of you…have been through loss, and it definitely is a journey.

Patti - Yes, this is worth acknowledging regardless of whether you knew about him/her at the time or not.

I’m sorry you won’t get to know that little one. I wish you peace and rest as you process this news and as you move forward in anticipation of your newest little one.

Susie - Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. The idea of twins… so amazing. I am thinking of you and praying for you too.

Becky - Sorry for your loss. Really, I am.
Still no fair, you super-fertile female! :)

Kelly - Wow Amanda. Just popped over to catch up on the latest and I wasn’t expecting this. What a shock and yet it is as if there was a premonition brewing in your subconscious. I am so sorry for the loss of a precious one and can attest to the wonderful store house of children we will all be greeted with one day in heaven. It brings comfort as much as I often wonder what life would have been like if the baby had survived. Thank goodness for one strong little heartbeat still thriving.

Just Jiff - Wow. Just wow.