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It’s All Going To Be OK.

Motherhood hasn’t been easy for me.

And that’s OK.

Some of the best things I’ve ever done have been really, really hard.

I had three kids in four years, all of whom turned out to be really lousy sleepers and exceptionally strong-willed. In short, I didn’t sleep for six years, I dealt with more ear-shattering tantrums than I can possibly count, and I sure didn’t love every minute of it. I wished away a lot of days, yearning for a time when things would get easier, when I would finally get some rest, when my kids wouldn’t be so demanding. But then I had my last baby and my perspective changed a little, knowing she was our family’s final installment. I was still bone-tired, but instead of just wishing the fatigue away, I slowly moved into a more mindful state of  it, saying to myself, “Right now I am so, so exhausted. My body and mind have been sucked dry and I am weary. But I won’t always feel this way. I am feeling it, living it, passing through it, and it’s all going to be OK.” I gave myself permission to truly feel The Tired, and by doing so, I found myself focusing less on the exhaustion and more on the curve of my baby’s brow, the sweet smell of her freshly-bathed head and her rosy cheeks, thankful for the beauty she brought to my life.

Then I started saying the same thing to myself about my older kid’s frustrating tantrums and outbursts. “Right now? THIS SUCKS. She is screaming again, about absolutely nothing, and I am so tired of it and I am worried she will never grow up to become a decent human being and it feels like I am failing. But she will not always be like this. With consistency and patience, her older sister outgrew a similar phase and now she’s really spectaular. It’s going to get better, and it’s all going to be OK.” And by taking the time to truly acknowledge the emotions I was feeling, instead of just stuffing them down or bracing hard against them, it gave me a sense of peace about it all, and the strength to keep going.

It reminded me of my first labour experience. The contractions started coming hard and fierce and all I could do was clench my fists, stiffen my body and try to resist the pain, praying it would pass quickly. Then my doula showed up and whispered in my ear that I needed to work with the contractions, to breathe with them and let them take my body where it needed to go. After that, it still hurt, but I was teamed up with the pain, trusting it, knowing in the end it was all for good.

The same was true for my messy house, my flabby stomach, my wearied marriage. I allowed myself to really acknowledge their state. “Right now things are not ideal: there are dishes piled in the sink, gobs of flesh hanging over the waistband of my jeans, I haven’t been on a date with my husband in a year. And I don’t have the energy to change any of that right now. It’s extra hard today, but it won’t always be. So just keep on loving your kids, your spouse, yourself any way you can. It’s all going to be OK.” And it was.

I have a friend who is in the thick of life with young kids: no sleep, a baby who won’t stop crying, a strong-minded preschooler, a tired marriage and she wonders if things will ever be OK again. And all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms, tell her she is doing such a great job raising those babies, and that it will. It’s all going to be OK. She is beautiful and loved and amazing and giving all she’s got.

If that’s what I want to tell her, shouldn’t I extend the same grace to myself?

Life might not ever truly slow down. The kids will get older and the challenges will keep on coming, just in different forms. And I don’t want to miss all the good that’s wrapped up in the pain. I want to ride it like a wave, let it take me where it needs to, because I know it’s all going to be OK.

23 Comments

  • I love you so much. So much.

  • So well said. I embrace every word of it. More of us mothers who are experiencing “coming, slowly out of the chaos”, should embrace those weary mothers and remind them that they are indeed flourishing despite the fatigue. You are a wise woman and your girls are goin to wonderful young ladies. If they are anything like you, they will be a delight to so many who have the pleasure to get to know them. Be proud of all you have accomplished and survived. I am so proud of you, that’s for sure.

  • It WILL be ok. I have one strong-willed tantrumous child I can hardly handle, I think you are amazing dealing with THREE. I think you mentioned that your mom told you that you were similar as a child? If that is true, then your girls are going to grow up to lovely, incredible women.

    This too shall pass.

    xo

  • Yes to all of this! I have tears in my eyes, I needed to hear this so badly today. I am right in the thick of things now and I remind myself daily of all the good in my days instead of focusing on the bad. Thank you for sharing your eloquent words today.

  • Amen. It’s hard, it will pass, it’s key to remember that. But I also say the odd day of wallowing in a Starbucks having your own mini (inner) tantrum is ok too. I do it about once a week :)

  • You’re such a wise beautiful person. Love you!

  • I just read this via Angella, as well as your FaceBook post. Hold your head high Amanda, you are doing a fantastic job with your three adorable girls. I see you often at the coffee shop and your kids are always well behaved. Been there, done it and appreciate how hard it is. And lastly I think you and your girls all look gorgeous every time I see you.

  • Thanks, Amanda. Kids are crazy and I just have 2. Motherhood is the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done. Last winter just about drove me over the edge. Too many people gloss it over (maybe our memories will turn rose-coloured someday, too) so, it’s nice to hear it like it is.

  • I certainly cannot understand what the pregnancy and birth process is like as an outside observer. But I do understand The Tired. My wonderful spouse has gone back to work and I am 2 months in on full time parenting our now 8 month old. Since she is our bread winner, I’ll be keeping everything else in line while the baby grows. And 4am feedings and midnight cry-fests are just as fun as they sound.

    It’s getting better, but it’s a long slow process.

  • Now that is a beautiful attitude. You are truly amazing woman – I admire what you do and the grace with which you get it done. Your writing is honest and yes, uplifting. You make US feel better!

  • oh i can relate! demanding kids, dateless tired marriage, unmopped dog-hairy floors…lately often the happiest time of my day is when the boys are asleep and i’m wasting time on pinterest…sad, eh?

  • Thank you! I also had tears in my eyes reading this. My girls are 5.5 and not quite 2. I have known The Tired intimately (finally seeming to come out of that with the little one. My mom died when Little One was 5 weeks old. Suffice it to say, things have not been easy but my kids have carried me through the darkest period of my life thus far. To them and to my amazing husband, I am eternally grateful.
    Thanks for reminding me that I am not alone :)

  • Thank you for speaking the honest truth. I have a 3 year old, an 18 month old and am pregnant with my 3rd and am constantly “counting the hours”, but try to remind myself that “the days are long, but the years are short”, and one day I’ll long for the days when my kids woke up all the time just because they wanted a cuddle!

  • Thank you for your honesty and candor. Love it….. I also always think ” the days are long, but the years are short”. Oh, and thank goodness for extra hot double shot grande skinny vanilla lattes.

  • Well written – from the heart. Words of wisdom for everyone at every phase of life.

    Hugs to all.

  • i like you. a lot. and dang, your parents should be proud! *hugs*

  • LOVE this post, and will try to keep this all in mind after baby #2 makes his arrival shortly. Thanks!

  • Loved this. So well said – and well deserving of the grant.

  • Yes Marla, I am proud.I think my daughter is doing a wonderful job of living life with grace and courage, things her dad and I pray for her every day.I sure can’t take any credit because I spent most of Amanda’s childhood fearing I was messing up,unsure of how to raise her. Thankfully, we had dedicated her to the LORD, knowing He loves her even more than we do, and by His power we were not alone in raising both our kids. Children can be your biggest stress and biggest motivation in life.To all you moms of young children out there–hang in there.This is a hard time of life.Somedays, survival is a lofty enough goal.Don’t compare or compete with other families;your situation is unique. Create a social environment that is open,nonjudgemental,honest,supportive and encouraging.Build each other up. Just get through it. That’s it for my unsolicited advice;I’ll get off my soap box now.Love you Sweetie, you’re doing a great job.

  • Thank you. For your honesty and for reminding me that I’m not the only one.

    (also, if that’s really a comment from your Mom above, that’s the sweetest thing ever)

  • Thank you for this. As you know, I’m in a similar place as your friend. It’s been hard, hard, hard adjusting to parenting two kids but words from people like you help me tremendously. Gives me hope that it will ease up a bit, even if new challenges replace the old ones. And accepting the hard vs. resisting the reality really is key, even though it’s tough. Zen parenting, yo!

  • […] came across a great post on a blog called KickyBoots titled It’s All Going To Be OK.  It’s about motherhood and how hard it can be.  […]

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