I don’t really write anymore, which is lame. Writing is a good way for me to set my brain free, process my thoughts and unpack my feelings. Without an outlet, it’s all left swirling in my mind and oozing out of my ears at inopportune moments.
If I had been writing more regularly, here are a few things you would have heard about:
1. I worked really hard this past fall to lose some weight. Like, REALLY hard. Worked out every day, counted every morsel and I lost about 10 pounds. And while I felt good, better in my jeans, and pleased with my progress, it didn’t feel like a way I wanted to live long-term: keeping track of calories, feeling guilty if I only worked out five days a week instead of six.
The trouble is, as soon as I put my guard down and live a little (aka: not log every piece of food I eat, or, heaven forbid, have a cheese bun) I automatically gain five pounds. Not even kidding. FIVE POUNDS! Maybe it’s the gluten, maybe it’s the wine, but maybe it’s just me. Maybe that’s where my body was created to live…five pounds from where I want it to be. Is that bad? I don’t know. I still want to be active and healthy. And I DO want to be thin, too. But the layers of it all just run so deep for me: I spent a decade lost in a secret spiral of disordered eating and it’s so easy for me to slip back into a bad headspace. Don’t want to go there. Just trying to find the balance between striving for “better” but not beating the joy of life and food out of the everyday.
2. Then there’s my work. I carry around this guilt a lot of the time, and wear it like an invisible lead apron over my professional-looking attire. I just never imagined I would be a busy, working mom. I was going to stay home and love it and make egg-carton caterpillars. Then this amazing opportunity came along, I jumped at it, and I love my career. It’s so satisfying and has helped me find the parts of me that got lost along the way. But the whole balancing act? Of unpredictable work hours, crazy long days and nights, while simultaneously trying to carve out the time to be present for our girls, have food in the fridge (and, if we’re really lucky, on the table), help with homework, listen to their tales of friendship woes and triumphs, play and laugh with them….I am failing. How on earth are there supposed to be enough hours in the day to be a good mother, wife, friend, fitness enthusiast, home-cook, house cleaner, spiritual being, and semi-presentable for public viewing?! I cannot do it all, not even a little.
3. Spring break was LONG. Today on Facebook there were all these moms posting about how much they miss their kids now that they’re back at school and I was all, “We are VERY different. That’s OK. I think you are probably better than I am, but that is also OK.”
4. The wonderful woman who comes to swab our toilets and mop our floors twice a month is away on an extended holiday. We are officially living in squalor.
5. We went for a family hike last night down in the gully at the bottom of the orchard and when we came back we found nine ticks on Rolo, and one each on Steve, Mackie and Avelyn. Nature, MAN!
6. For Christmas I got a road bike and then somehow signed up for a 90 km bike race at the end of this summer. Since getting this new bike, I have learned to clip into pedals, and then also what it’s like to not be able to clip out of said pedals when you come to a stop and fall flat on your side-bum. While still clicked into your bike. Twice. There was no escape.
I have since gone on to figure it out a bit, gone on some great rides and am signed up for a weekend-long bike training camp. In four days. Hold me. I am a little freaked out, but also it’s invigorating to just commit to something, throw yourself in wholeheartedly and see where it leads. I am such a beginner, it’s laughable, but hey, it’s happening. Also, I wore bike shorts in public one time. It was kind of gross but I didn’t even care.
7. Everyone else I know is also super busy and stressed out. Why do we all live like this? Is it just the stage of life? Or are we all making kind of dumb choices? It’s all just going so fast!
8. I went to a 1920s Gatsby-themed murder mystery surprise party on a retired paddle wheeler. That was fun.
Anyways, we are good. Asking Big Life Questions, making it through the days, breathing it all in.