So. Potty training. It’s not happening! Avelyn is now two and a half and is showing more interest in traipsing around the house naked and piddling in the corner than directing her feces into the shiny, unused plastic potty in the living room. She has peed and pooped once in the potty; all other excrement has landed on the floor. And she doesn’t care. HOW DO I MAKE HER CARE?!
She is now in Pull-Ups, which was a battle in itself. She refused to wear them and preferred her old baby diapers, but I told her when we were on our last box of them that when they were gone she’d be switching to Pull-Ups. Which are nothing more than cartoonified crap holders, but still…one step closer to underwear? I don’t know.
One thing I have learned in the past 2.5 years is that Avelyn is not your conventional child; she does things on her terms and her world is very easily disrupted. I have offered treats, toys, and stickers in exchange for her using the potty but no matter how enticing the bribe she simply shrugs, “No potty right now.” Another problem is that she doesn’t mind sitting in her own poo. She will have a Pull-Up FULL of fuming diarrhea and I’ll say, “Avelyn, do you have poo-poos?” To which she’ll nonchalantly reply, “No poo-poos. I’m OK.” And I’m like, “DUDE. That is poo-poos and it’s running down your LEG. Let’s deal with it.”
I am frustrated because I cannot force her to use the potty; it’s out of my control.
I don’t know if she is adjusting to her new role as Big Kid and wants to hold onto this (smelly, wet) piece of her babyhood for a while longer. Should I just put the potty away for a while, since we are obviously making no progress in the training department, and bring it back in a couple months when she’s more ready? Is this something that will just happen on its own? Or when do I start to worry that my kid is going to be wearing Depends on her first day of high school?
Any suggestions for a wearied, frustrated, feces-covered mother?
46 Comments
My recommendation (based on quickly potty training both my kids) is to completely stop trying to train and try again after she is three.
Here’s a link to an entry I wrote about our potty training experience. Good luck!
http://thatsnotgreat.typepad.com/bethany/2008/06/work-stress-and-a-weekend-round-up.html
Send her to your mom. That’s what I did. (Well, sent her to MY mom, not yours.)
We just let it go with H, when it proved to go nowhere. Went back to the diapers and, eventually, he was ready. I’ve learned that things don’t happen in my timing… what the?
As I said today on the phone, maybe tucking the potty away even for a month or so might be a good idea. She won’t feel the pressure, you’ll get a break from scrubbing poo out of your carpets and then hopefully when it the potty comes back out she’ll have an interest and can go at it with a fresh start.
Good luck!
Ahhh – we were 80% there about 6 months ago (I know!!! she wasn’t even 2!!!) and then due to some disruptions in our lives we are back to not much of anything. We don’t use a special potty but one of those little seats that fits on the toilet itself and she uses it 1-2 times a day. Usually before nap and bedtime. But never to poop – although she is fond of yelling “I’m poopy! come change me!” like I’m her slave (although, who are we kidding, I am her slave). And when she is successful we make a major deal – clap, do a potty dance, sing a song, etc. And flushing the toilet seems to be a prize in itself for M. But she is stubborn and if it’s not her idea to sit on the potty there is no action.
We have gotten lots of advice that we should NOT use pull-ups but use training pants or even maxi-pads in regular underwear when we decide to go all -out (maybe this summer?) as that gives them more of a sensation of being wet and dirty and that it is certainly NOT a good feeling to crap in your pants.
Dude. Three kids in and I DON’T KNOW. I ask Emily every day if she is going to go on the potty and she tells me, “tomorrow”.
Ohhh, you just reminded me how much I am not looking forward to potty training kid #2.
Potty training Eva was a nightmare. But, I’m stubborn and kept at it day after day (of cleaning up pee and poo off the floor) and one day it finally clicked. And it sealed the deal when she saw her best friend sitting on the potty too.
Best wishes on your potty training adventure. And hang in there, you’re doing great.
Here’s my advice. Well, you asked! Put the potty away. She will not go to High School in Depends. She won’t even go to Kindergarten in Pampers. I promise. It is so not worth stressing over, for either of you! Shared with only the best intentions from the Mom of a 16 and 13 year old who use the potty all by themselves.
Stop even mentioning it. Put it away. Try later.
Also, remember (especially with moms/daughters, I suspect), the more she knows that YOU want it, the less she’ll be likely to do it.
She really will train herself if you give her a few more months. That’s what I tell myself anyway. =)
Amanda I know exactly the frustration you are feeling. Lorelei is now three and a half and is still not potty trained. She is completely disinterested in it. We are to the point of just putting her in underwear and locking her out of the rooms with carpets until she gets it. I just keep believing to myself that someday it will happen on her terms but until then it’s going to be a battle of wills. Good luck, feel free to email me anytime to vent. Hugs
Definitely leave it for now and try again later. But when she does show a sniff of interest, by pass the pull ups and go straight to underpants and don’t look back. That was my mistake. Switching back and forth was too confusing and provided no motivation. Plan on spending a day or two naked and find some extremely coveted reward( like lollipops or jelly beans). But the re-interest may come out of nowhere so be ready if it does. I recommend underpants and rubber covers if you leave the house and au naturale inside.
Micah is just starting to be interested again to go on the potty. However, he took a couple of months hiatus & would even apologize for going in his diaper. So, I decided just to not talk about it anymore & then suddenly he’s interested again. We use smarties as an incentive & he gets to pick a bigger candy from the candy bowl when he goes poop. He started to hold it in & then things were getting all backed up. Yuck. Avelyn is still really young to be potty trained & I personally think its not worth the battle. you can’t make ’em go.
First time commenter here! (I think.) Found you from the the fabulous Angella. After a super easy potty training experience with my first, I thought the second should nicely fit into my ideal. Not so much. At 2.5, he was so not ready. We had a new baby after the first attempt so we’ll wait till he’s much closer to three. 2 months after the failed attempt he’s starting to get annoyed by the poop, even a wet diaper in the middle of the night. I love what Angella said – I HAVE NO IDEA! Lots of good info here – http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T106600.asp
Just chiming in like everyone else – my friend’s little boy is within days of Avelyn in terms of age and she was having the same frustration (although she did as some others mentioned and skipped straight to underwear and used the m&m reward) with her son peeing on the couch etc and not caring (and he’s very anal about a lot of things!). Finally she decided she was making herself crazy over it (she was making him sit on the potty every time she changed him and it was becoming a battle) so she let it go for awhile. He’ll be 3 in July but she hasn’t started again yet. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you are in the same boat! :)
My son is 3 today and is still not trained. The best part about this? He was trained completely a few months ago and then out of nowhere ( I suspect it has to do something with spite) he just decided to do his business in his pants all over again. Just like that, from one day to the next he untrained himself. I did notice that each month the wheels in his head are turning more and more and when I talk to him he is actually understanding about the potty. I think eventually he will ask for it himself. Your daughter has a very similar personality like my son that’s why I enjoy your blog so much so I think putting the potty away for a bit will be a great idea for you both.
So this is what worked for me…
I bought super cool underwear (Bob the Builder in my house) and left it where he could see it. I let him ask questions about it which he did every few days along the lines of “is that underwear for me when I use the potty?”.
Then I waited. 10 days before his 3rd birthday he woke up dry in the morning and I asked if he had some pee for the potty. He said he did. Then after successfully peeing, we put on his underwear and that was pretty much it. We had some accidents and poo was a challenge just figuring out the timing of getting to the toilet in time but once the desire was there everything else fell into place.
My assvice is to wait until she decides.
Same exact thing with my son. EXACTLY. Couldn’t care less about whether he needed to or just had pooped. And we had a brand new baby too. I fought with him for a year, and it was awful. Finally I gave up for a few months, and tried again and a couple weeks later he was potty trained.
So, I say wait. It’s not worth fighting like I did when they’re only 2.5.
Sounds like my daughter. I tried at two to potty train, and had to give up, as she was not interested in it. Unfortunately you have to wait until they are ready, she was trained at 3years 3 months…..but whose counting. Good luck
Waiting sounds like the best bet, however….one mom I know potty trained her child by using potty time as reading time… As in.. you potty and we read (set a timer) for 5 minutes after. I guess it helps if your child likes to be read to.
Just a suggestion, but, waiting seems to be the consensus.
My 6 year old stepson was almost 4 before he was potty trained. We were terrified he would not be able to move up to the 4 year old class because of it, but he managed to get there a few months shy of his 4th birthday.
We were consistent, but he just finally did it on his own time. :)
Hi, I’m Christys’ aunt. I have raised 6 boys. The earliest was trained at 1.5 years and the latest 3.5. the rest at 2. They have to be ready don’t force it. She will let you know when she is ready. It is not worth the powerstruggle…she will win.
My sister struggled with her son–he would pee but not poop in the potty–and it drove her crazy. At 3.5, they stopped actively trying and instead kept the conversation with him going. Finally, just after my nephew’s fourth birthday, he started doing it consistently. From my perspective, it did seem like once the pressure was off and something inside him just “clicked,” it all fell into place. Crazy-making, but true (for him).
Mom of 5 here (4 potty trained) and I’m with everyone else. Just put it away and don’t let yourself stress over it. All 4 of mine were just ready when they were ready and I let them decide on their own when they’d try it. 2 were trained by 3, the other 2 by 3.5
I will confess that, although I was completely potty trained at 18 months, after my brother was born, I “forgot” how for another 6 months. Something about having to share…? :)
I didn’t have a chance to read the other suggestions but my suggestion is that when she is ready it will happen in a day. There will be no fights or poop stained carpets. Store the pull-ups so they stay in the for front of her mind but go back to diapers. In our house pull-ups are for big boys and girls who WANT to go to the bathroom like a big boy or girl. It’s casual though.
My son was completely PT’d by 2.5 years old and my daughter who will be 2.5 next month only sort of is interested in the potty, usually at bedtime, you know, to prolong it.
I know once my son was ready it happened over night. Not even exaggerating. Just relax. It’s normal for some kids to be into their 4th year before getting the hang of the potty completely. Go back to diapers and save those pull-ups, those suckers are too expensive to waste on a child who isn’t quite interested just yet.
My best friend just went through the big battle of potty training with her headstrong little girl. She started trying at 2.5 and moved her into the pull-ups. It was the ultimate battle and she would also disappear into the corners of the room to do her business…either on the floor or in her pull ups. My friend took away the pull ups, put her back into diapers and then let it go for a few weeks. After awhile she put up a chart on the fridge with stickers and gold stars…her little girl got curious and once she heard she got a sticker for each time she went on the potty, her interest was peaked. My friend also introduced a “big prize” that would be given once she was able to do all of her business on the potty (it was a $0.99 fish).
Be thankful you don’t have two boys peeing all over everything. I use to have a magazine rack by the toilet, not any more, it started to rust…..
Good luck :)
When you figure it out, please let me know! My daughter is THREE AND A HALF and REFUSES to use the potty. She’ll pretend like she wants to, but all she really wants is to wash her hands. She’ll go through the motions, sitting on the potty, wiping, washing her hands, and then use her diaper for the real business. Sheesh.
Just found your blog. I agree, put the potty away for a little while. But when you pull it back out, I’d try Dr Phil’s techniques http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/264/
We did this with our oldest, and it worked like a charm. i will say that he claims it’s potty-training in “one day”, and I don’t think you are DONE training in one day, but we did see results right away.
We actually threw a little party each and every time our daughter used the potty for like a week! the parties got simpler over time. She was super into birthdays, singing Happy Birthday, cake and candles. So we kept a few packages of those little hostess cupcakes around, and we busted out the party hats, birthday plates, candles, the whole bit, and SANG happy birthday to her after each successful potty trip. After the first whole cupcake we started giving her just a 1/4 or 1/8 of one, and she was still pleased. Before we knew it she was just going on the potty and not expecting or waiting for her potty any more.
But you have to do the modeling with the doll, and throw the doll a BIG party first.
FYI – it doesn’t HAVE to be a party. One family used calling Thomas the Tank Engine on the phone as the big reward. They first had the doll call after the doll went potty, and then the child got to call after they went potty (it was a friend playing Thomas).
The key is to use whatever your child’s “currency” is. Our daughter just happened to be LOVING birthday parties and all they included at the time. I guess because she had just had her 2nd birthday.
Anyhow. Nothing works for everyone, but I think this method is worth a shot. It sure worked for us!
Just know that you can’t do this half-heartedly. If you’re going to try this, be committed and go all out. I think you’ll see the results you’re going for.
Good luck!
She’s not ready. Don’t stress about it, or she will pick up your anxiety. I agree with the others who suggesting taking the potty away for awhile.
My boys were simply not ready until after they turned 3. My eldest pretty much trained himself, in just 4 days. Only a couple of accidents. It was that simple. We could have tried “our way” for the preceding 18 months, but he just wasn’t ready. It would have been stressful for all of us.
We followed the same technique with our other son, letting him tell/show us when he was ready.
Yes…don’t worry about it for now. My biggest piece of advice is DO NOT use pull ups…they are basically more expensive diapers (in my opinion). Just put the potty in the bathroom for now, buy her more diapers, save the pull ups for night time later. Try again in a month. Go completely cold turkey with special big girl undies. Try for a week straight so she gets the idea that you’re serious, and that she knows what it feels like to get completely wet every time she pees. If it doesn’t work, try again in a month. It’s not a fun stage at all, so I wish you lots of patience and luck. Mine were trained before 3 using this technique, but I know it varies for everyone.
one simple sentence of advice…
you will never see a child graduating highschool still in diapers. jsut like you will never see a kid graduate highschool sucking a soother or sucking his thumb….
I’d take a break and then bribe bribe bribe…
Duncan got a bowl of teddy grahams when he used the potty, or just one for sitting on it and “trying”. He then learned to control his pee. For the whole poo thing he was much less keen so we actually went with wrapped presents, our bathroom was full of them! He was very excited to get one and so proud when he finally poo’d. But if Avelyn doesn’t want to and she’s stubborn, she will win….
I agree with all the moms who told you to put the potty away. Since Avelyn is not even remotely interested there is no use in forcing the matter (pun intended!). It will only make things worse and might eventually lead to plumbing issues (blockage! Oh my) as she will try to “hold on”.
I have yet to know one child that did not get trained in the end. In my own case, my stepdaughter could not wait to use the potty and was trained within a week at age 2 1/2. Her younger brother eventually moved into Pull Ups but was not to be convinced into wearing regular underpants until he was 4.
I have zero advice on this subject, but if Avelyn ever decides to buy a pet lizard–you know who to call!
I, like Kaile, also have no advice for you. All i know about is how cats dig, squat and bury. Maybe try a litter box…it worked for Buckwheat
another thing I was thinking…instead of going back to regular diapers is to go to cloth training pants. That way Avelyn has the misery of that yucky wet/poopy feeling but you don’t have the misery of wet/poopy floors & furniture. (The pants are cloth on the inside and waterproof on the outside). You can get really cute prints and as a bonus you can reuse them for Jolie. I cloth diaper my kids and I think it has helped them be ready to use the potty a little sooner. Just a thought.
Wow, 37 comments. Apparently we are all pretty passionate about poop. :)
I would say she’s only 2.5, I wouldn’t be worried, yet. Like you said, Avelyn likes to do things on her own terms, so I would make it seem like you really don’t care whether or not she goes, otherwise it’s just a battle of wills – she can hold it over you. She knows you want her to, and therefore, she won’t. I love girls, hey?
I DO have a few suggestions. Are you using the potty seat exclusively? You might consider a toilet ring so that she is actually using a real toilet. The whole idea of being a “big girl” is really nullified if she’s using a toilet she knows no one else uses, and all the other “big girls” in her life use the real toilet in the bathroom. Also, it’s part of toilet training, to get to the toilet on time, and not waiting till the last minute because the potty seat is right there. Then when you are out somewhere she wont be used to holding it for a few seconds to get to the toilet…. you know?
I think the biggest thing is making it seem like you don’t care if she uses it or not. That way it’s not a power struggle and she can come to do it on her own time. Don’t worry, she’ll come around eventually!
When I was training my kids, I just took a few days to a week and stayed home and filled them full of juice and water all day and made them sit on the toilet about every half hour. Then I would read to them and give them special attention while they were on the toilet. If they went, they got a smartie or two afterward. I didn’t have too much trouble, just lots of messes because I had them in real underwear so they could get the sensation of peeing down their leg.
*shrugs* Every kid/family is so different it’s hard to figure out your own way with potty training. Hopefully Jolie will be easier!!! :)
Wow, there are a lot of comments on this one! I haven’t had a chance to read them all, (and I eventually will as I am about to endeavor into that little minefield myself, with Lauren). I have no solid advice as my two oldest girls both took to potty training so completely differently. I think each kid is different. I will say that of all the parenting things I dispise the most thus far, potty training wins by a landslide. I have been dreading it for a couple years now. (One of my kids had no problems, and the other…maybe we’ll talk in person!)
What I am trying to say is…whether it is easy or hard, it will get done. How many teenagers do we see walking around with designer huggies, or ultra low gangsta pampers? Try not to worry too much. Maybe I’ll call you in a week or two and you can give me some advice on my third attempt?
I’m totally dying laughing over here. I just had a picture come up in my reader and thought of you. (picture of a bare butt – might be inappropriate for small children – but OMG LMAO!!!!) I hope it doesn’t give you nightmares. The Importance of Potty Training *laughs some more!!!!*
Thank God I’m not the only one who’s gone through this!! My boy was 3 and 2 months when he was finally potty trained… believe me I tried every option and then we enrolled him in Preschool and he wasn’t allowed to attend if he wasn’t PT’d so he gave in b/c school was too exciting :)
It sounds like she’s not ready. I think 3 is more the time when they care. At her age, if you want to force the issue, it’s you who puts her on the potty, no questions asked, and then you’re trying to catch her when she has to go, etc. Seeing as how she’s strong willed, that might backfire on you.
I have yet, in my 12 years of teaching, seen anyone show up for their first day if high school in Depends. However, if they did, I’m sure they’d have to be designer.
I feel for you. Good luck!
my friend had the same battle with her daughter when she was 2 1/2. it just stressed them both out. so they stopped for a little bit, then her daughter was ready and it clicked, and it clicked before she turned 3. my neighbour, who has never been a mom and is currently 38 weeks pregnant with a boy (which i hear boys are harder to train) is convinced that her son will be trained by age 12 months! HA!
but reading this post reinforced the dread i have for when the time comes to potty-train ty…
Ok, so sorry in advance if I sound a little clinical with my behavior talk – you are getting some good advice here, Amanda. All of these moms are right. Nothing is going to change unless Avelyn is motivated to make this whole potty thing happen! Motivation is something that can either be contrived or waited for, but you can guess which one I’m going to talk about. :) That being said, it does seem like for now a mental break from all the trying is a good idea so that Avelyn can start fresh.
Erin nailed it with the bob the builder undies as a motive for her little guy. He understood that he would only get to wear them when he used the potty and just went for it. The motivator was perfect for him.
When you do decide to reintroduce the potty, you might want to ensure you have Avelyn’s full motivation first by introducing some kind of reward that you know she will go crazy for (at a time when you know she might have to go pee). It can be a toy, a costume, anything that you know she will absolutely love.
If you feel the task is too large to try all in one go, you can break it down for her very easily to ensure some smaller successes leading up to the big one. Start by showing Avelyn how fun her potty toy/reward is by letting her play with it for a few minutes and getting really involved to ensure she is laughing her head of with delight, then give her a time warning of 1 minute, and take a break, putting the toy or reward within her sight but out of reach. No doubt she will ask for it again, and when she does you can tell her first she has to sit on the potty for 1 minute. FIRST, THEN, is a really really effective wording to use with a child. If she refuses then the motivation is too low or the demand is too high, so you will need to change one of them if that is the case. Starting small is ok, it is about making sure she stays positive. If she complies and sits on the potty, time her for a minute and then reward her with the toy and make sure it is sooo fun (huge praise too, this will keep her motivation way up there). Give her a time warning like 1 more minute with the toy, then take another break, putting the toy somewhere that is visible but out of reach. Each time she requests the toy you can make the task a little harder saying, FIRST sit for longer or try to pee on the potty (whatever you decide is a little harder), THEN play with the toy. You can decide how small to make the demand at first and at what rate you make it harder until she is giving an honest effort to pee/poop in the toilet. You know more than anyone what Avelyn would love to play with, and how much more fun it makes it for her when you get involved in the reward. As long as you have her motivation way up there, you will be amazed at what she is willing to comply to.
It might take a few days for you to actually get the timing right of her having to actually ‘go’ when you are practicing potty training. If Avelyn has a poop in her diaper, always put Avelyn on the potty after so that she begins to associate the two together, poo = potty, reward her for sitting on the potty even after she has already pooped elsewhere, then begin to make the task harder by having her tell you when she has to go or has just gone, rather than her denying it. At first, when you find the poop, exclaim that she has done something good and put her on the potty. Play wth the potty toy, then remind her “Tell mummy when you have a poopie then we get to play with potty toy! Yay!” When she has mastered taht, you can transfer to “Tell mummy when you have TO GO poopie then we get to play with potty toy!” Essentially you will build her awareness of when she has to go, ensuring more successful attempts on the potty. (one last thing, if the motivator looses its luster before she is trained, switch it up, or add something to it. You could start with one toy then end up with a whole potty tub of toys if that is what it takes) Eventually you can phase out the toys and replace them with some big affection and praise, but only once she has mastered the potty.
Those are my two cents. Good luck!! :)
I know I’m a few days late for the potty party, but thought I throw my 2 cents in anyways…
I don’t have kids of my own, but I do have 96 infants/toddlers/preschoolers 5 days a week, so I have a bit of experience in this arena. I agree that you should give everyone a break and put the potty away for a while. She’s only 2 and a half. She’ll be ready eventually.
I would also suggest ditching the Pull-Ups. They suck. Go at it whole hog (when you’re ready). Have A LOT of dry panties and pants/shorts ready each day and be prepared to have to change clothes a lot for the first few days, but the only thing that’s different about a Pull-Up than a diaper is that, well, they pull up. They’re still diapers.
I do have to say that, unlike you often hear, some kids WOULD go to kindergarten in diapers if you’d let them. I am the director at a child care center where there is currently a 4 year old whose parents have done nothing about potty training. 4 years old, and can’t even pull down his own pants. REDICULOUS!
But you’ve got plenty of time – She’ll get it! Promise :-)
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