“Why do you have to be so terrible all the time?!” I cried, hot tears spilling down my face as I threw her wiry three year-old body down on her bed.
I charged to my room, hucked my face into the pillows and sobbed, thinking awful thoughts: I don’t want to be her mom for a while; I can’t do this; I’m not everything she needs; Why do I have such a difficult child; Why can’t she just stop being miserable for three seconds; I’m failing; I hate this; Everyone is handling motherhood better than I am; It’s my fault she’s a brat.
I called my mom and bawled into her telephone receiver for a while, recounting all the swirling thoughts in my head and heart. She listened. And empathized. And told me she felt the exact same way while parenting me in the early years.Â
This summer has been hard for me and Avelyn. It’s been one giant meltdown, one huge tantrum, one massively grumpy season and it’s gotten me down. She’s a tough kid and I feel like much of the past few months has been spent just trying to stomp out the bad behaviour so I haven’t been able to enjoy the (two) fun moments that speckle the trying days.Â
I find myself comparing my experience to that of other moms around me and I can’t help but notice they’re having a lot more fun and doing a much more civilized job.
My mom made an analogy from a book she’s been reading. It likens pregnancy to planning for a trip to Italy: you read all the tour books, scour the internet for all the great places you’ll see, pack your bags for the Roman weather and count down the days until your thrilling trip. Then you have your baby and motherhood begins and you realize that your trip, at the last minute, has been rerouted to Holland. It’s not what you had planned for, not what you had expected. You can spend your days just moping about all you’re missing in Italy, but then you would not be able to appreciate the beauty in the land you’ve ended up in.
How touching.
When my mom told me this, I told her that MY plane had been rerouted to the freaking Antarctic and all my friends had still made it to Italy and they were sending me postcards of them sipping wine at their Tuscan villa while I was gnawing on whale blubber and nursing my frostbitten appendages.
I am just having a tough time finding the beauty in Antarctica but I hear it’s lovely in the fall. WHEN PRESCHOOL STARTS.
35 Comments
I think it’s just age 3 (hoping, anyway) because my 3 year old son is the same way. Believe me, you’re not alone. It’s hard. Very hard.
Oh, man I have SO BEEN THERE.
I find that hard times are “seasons”, and soon the season changes and peace resumes once again.
Also, I find that this time of year- the loose schedule, no real routine time, is fun for awhile… but THEN I’m ready for the school schedule structure our days again.
Also-also, you ARE doing a good job, and those other mothers DO have seasons like the one you are in, and MAN THIS WHOLE GIG IS JUST HARD.
Hang in there. Preschool’s coming! =)
We’ve talked about this at great length, and I have seen you in action; you are one of the best Moms I know.
The Antarctic part made me laugh though. You’re also one of the funniest friends I know.
Love you.
You are a wonderful, caring mom – just like your mom. Your mom is pretty wise too!!
Hang in there – one day you will write an award winning novel about all of this.
Hugs.
I think we all have thoughts of “I’m the worst mother in the world”, I’m terrible at this”, “I’m not what my kids need”, “I can’t handle it”, “No one else has kids like mine”, “Everyone else can handle this, why can’t I”… all that kind of stuff. You end up putting yourself in a very dark and lonely place. And while yes, some families don’t struggle as much as some others, but the fact is, we’ve all had our days. Some people’s days don’t last a season, but some do. I know that God will bring you out of it a better mom, a better person, and stronger for all you’ve been through. I also would pray that he would use your hard times for Him, to be a testimony for other moms who have more difficult children, for a shoulder to cry on for your own girls one day when they are moms (just as your mom is doing for you) etc. Just remember, as with all things, this too shall pass. Even though it feels like it’s never ending! One of these days it will get better. And maybe preschool will be the break that you both need from each other. :)
*hugs* Hang in there!
i know exactly how you feel, down to the hot tears and the bed-tossing and the feeling of failure…have you done any research on the Strong-Willed Child? It doesn’t fix everything, but the past month that we have been implementing some procedures have been markedly happier…
I was just thinking, the first two months were not Holland. THEY WERE NOT IN EUROPE AT ALL. The first two months were in Lubbock, Texas, and that’s just as bad as Antarctica, I’d wager.
I hope you hang in there and your stubborn, difficult daughter turns into the brilliant, world-changing girl I imagine she’ll be. Aren’t the stubborn ones the ones who rule the world? I think so. I bet Bill Gates’ parents probably called him difficult a time or two, as well.
I’M FROM HOLLAND AND AM DEEPLY OFFENDED THAT YOU WOULD LIKEN IT TO PARENTING A TANTRUMING CHILD. Okay, so I don’t really get offended easily, but I AM from Holland. And I’ve been there and I love it there. But that is not what this post is about …
I’m so sorry you’re struggling, but I’m so glad that you have such a great mom that you can pour out your heart to. And, you have a light at the end of the (seemly VERY LONG) tunnel to know that your daughter stays on the path you took, she is going to grow up into an AMAZING woman that everyone can’t wait to spent time with.
Yes, I know. My 3 year old is currently upstairs refusing to nap and being obnoxiously noisy about it, despite my pleas/rant/ angry threats that if she wakes up up brothers she is going to be a the most unhappy little girl. Nothing works. I probably tell her at least 200 time a day ” Stop bothering your brother.’ ” ” Stop touching his head” ” “Stop grabbing his arm.” “ARE YOU BEING GENTLE? ” ” THATS NOT GENTLE” not joking 200-300 times a day. She is exhausting, I honestly have spent days mourning the cute, fun, and energetic but manageable baby and young toddler I feel she used to be. I know her world has been turned upside down since the arrival of her twin brothers (they are 5 months now), but she is not making things any easier for herself. Does that sound awful to say about a three year old? Because I honestly feel that I have tried all the methods to make her feel loved, secure, and special. WE do positive reinforcement, hell I even made her a book out of scrapbooking material and pictures of her highlighting all the ways she is special because she is the big sister. We give her special time during the day, take her out so she can do ” big Kid ” things. She still hits their heads, pinches their arms, BITES them, and runs away from me screaming in Target when I catch her unwrapping and eating a lollipop in the check out line ( with one twin in the ERGO and the other in the carseat in the cart, people behind me, can’t chase her…. that was fun) My husband and I refer to her as Godzilla, always storming through a room , terrorizing and destroying everything in her path. My little girl, and I have had the same feelings. I can’t be your mother, this is too hard. When are you ever going to be good? Ever?
7 more days till preschool starts back up again for my 3.5 year old and the ONLY tears you’ll see from me will be sweet tears of joy that the day has finally arrived!
steph
Oh, bless your heart. Every kid is different and I hear it starts getting better at 4, so try your best to hang in there. *HUGS*
I too am always thinking everyone is a better mother than me or that other mothers are having an easier time. Either from their own mad skills or the temperment of their kid. I feel this way especially when my boy hollers and thrashes his one year old body all over me as I try to hold him still when we are out in public. I think there will probably always be something that gets to you as a parent.
I’m sorry this summer has been tough, babe. I can make no promises based on my own (lack of) experience, but I have a feeling it’s going to get easier, and no matter what, I totally believe in you.
delurking today to say I can totally empathize. My daughter will be three next week and the last couple of months have been rough. I, too, have questioned my parenting skills, level of patience and my sanity. I have screamed, cried and wanted to run away (sometimes all at once!)
Although your friends may be parenting the most angelic 3 year-olds on the planet, rest assured you are not alone!
A therapist told me today that all bad habits/behaviors typically last no longer than 3-4 months – there is hope that this hellish phase is coming to a close :)
I completely agree with Ange was going to say everything she did.
Also, three was our hardest year too. Hope that offers some comfort. ;)
I have a friend who went through the same situation. Her daughter would open the dishwasher, take knives out and stab her oak cabinets. WOAH. It can always be worse! Her daughter is 4 now and like a totally different kid! I don’t have kids, but had a puppy that I had to body slam and hold down, so she would know who was the Alpha dog. Not sure the same principles would be appropriate here though. :(
Starting preschool will be a huge step forward for Avelyn. Remember how you thought she would poop in her pants forever? Well that season is over and this too shall pass.
I don’t have kids, so this may be total and complete “assvice”, nevertheless…
My boyfriend’s mother has repeatedly said what a difficult child he was and how stubborn and strong-willed he was. They were living in Germany until he was almost 4 with no family or friends around. She was finally told that she should try and enjoy him even though he was difficult. The woman told her that her struggling and worrying about him when he was young would pay off and that he would be strong and independent when he got older and she wouldn’t have to worry about him at all. Alex’s mom said that is exactly what happened, and now she is so thankful for him.
Hopefully that brightens your day just a bit!
FYI “Welcome to Holland” is about parenting a special needs child. I realize that all problems are relative but I have to admit I bristled a bit (as the mother of a special needs child) about hearing this poem used in this setting.
That being said, I really love your blog and hope things turn around for you.
Must be so tough. Jen told me of the hard time you have with Avelyn. Can I suggest… very very rigid schedule. For a while. Until she can anticipate the unfolding of the day. Example Wake up at whatever time say 7 am. Breakfast at 7:15 followed by a short video. Next, get dressed, go for a walk, or play in the yard or whatever. Then, snack and more play. All staying at home for the first few days or a week. Then after lunch, the child’s energy usually wanes for a bit so, quiet time or reading or play in the room with a toy she needs to sit to play with. After quiet time, outside again. I stress outside because I believe kids need fresh air and lots of it. You get my meaning here. Very scheduled. Very predictable. Same with the after supper routine. Always the same.
You probably shudder at not going out for a few days but it is worth a try. I know this because Athena, actually all the girls, Jen’s too, behave best if they are eating healthy food, have a schedule and get plenty of rest.
How is that for a Tolstoy like comment?
Good luck Amanda. You heart is totally in the right place.
I know it’s hard, but I think everyone feels like you do sometimes. Even though it seems like other people don’t have challenges/rough spots, they definitely do. Either they’re lying or on some serious drugs! LOL!
oh amanda, you are not alone this summer. i’ve had times where i have to leave whatever i’m doing because Shyla’s throwing a tantrum (remind me to tell you about how a portuguese lady called me an unfit mother and threatened to call the police). i have no words of wisdom but i can offer babysitting if your having a super bad day.
I just really wanted to write because I have read your site off and on and I just wanted to say that I totally understand. I have a son who will be 3 in December and I struggle with him everday. And when I go out places with him whether it be to just a store or some kind of kid’s group for something fun for him to do, I feel like in comparison, everyone else’s kids are so much calmer. I feel like the only one chasing my child, telling them no, trying to keep him a part of what’s going on, and he is the most hyper/loud child everywhere I go. Before kids, I’ll admit if I did see children like that I would wonder what the parent was doing wrong that they couldnt control that behavior. And I do think that, in some cases, parents aren’t disciplining their kids correctly…but i know that I do the best that I can…and we struggle everyday…and I’m consistent and I don’t let him get away with things by just sitting back and doing nothing. However, I’ve realized that I just have a strong willed child. And when you have a child like that, they are determined to win every argument and every struggle just to see if they can. Even though I’m doing everything I can, there are SO many times where I feel like I must be doing something wrong and I doubt my mothering abilities or I wonder how everyone else can make it look so much easier. And from what I’ve read of you, you sound like a great mom. And I think you were just given one of those strong willed children. Trust me, you know if you have one. And I just wanted you to know that it’s not you. For some reason that maybe we’ll someday understand, that’s the child God chose to give us and I’m determined he has the answers and will use this to develop more patience and strength in myself, and when I don’t have it, to depend on it from Him. Oh, i have a 14 month old too…so we are kind of in the same boat in that regards too…its totally extra work when you add another one in the midst of all that. Anyway, if you ever want to email me to swap advice or just to commiserate, feel free. :)
Summer holidays are not so much of a holiday for a stay-at-home mom, that’s for sure. I found that my first born got nasty as soon as his little brother was born. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that he was strong-willed and I no longer had the time or energy to continually keep up with him when I was busy with the baby. His third year was the worst, fourth was better, fifth even better…you get the idea. So there IS light at the end of this very long tunnel. However, now I’m dealing with son two and three who are at that terrible season!! I NEVER thought it would be this hard either. I NEVER would have thought it could take this much out of me or cause me to doubt my mothering abilities. I’m not quite sure what God is trying to teach me through this as I already thought I was quite a patient person! and feel like ALL my energy and commitment is poured into my needy children with nothing left to give anyone else. But they will grow up! They won’t be like this forever! And then ya…maybe I’ll write a book or teach parenting classes or something! Who knows.
Oh ya, and on the bright side…the B.C gov’t is talking of all-day kindergarden starting for fall of 2010.
I am so there with you… somedays I wonder why I did this to myself ;)
I’ve been reading an awesome book, you should check it out… it’s called “Have a New Kid by Friday” by Dr. Kevin Lehman. It’s an awesome book all about “Reality Parenting”. The things from it that I’ve actually put into practice are totally working ;)
Hang in there Amanda! With her doing this now, she will be an angel when she is 16 ;-)
you sound just like me yesterday. this summer has been extremely frustrating and I feel like the worst mom ever. not only am I trying to curb the bad behavior out my 3 year old, he doesn’t talk and trying to guess what two non-verbal kids want throughout the day can be enough to pull your hair out. i am right there with you and hope too that preschool will bring some sanity to this crazy life.
it’s so nice to hear that someone else feels the same way and is going through the same stuff! it’s hard being a mom!!!
I have been a long-time lurker and this is the first time that I have come out of hiding.
I have a 6 year old son, who from day one has been a challenge. He is my only child so I am constantly asking myself “Is this normal?” He started school last year and after a long phone call from his teacher, I took him to a therapist. He is basically a “normal” child…some learning disabilities, but not ADHD or ODD or whatever other acronym that I thought he would be.
The one thing that I took away from these meetings was that my son was difficult and that I had nothing to do with it. The therapist said that there were some kids that were more oppositional, more everything and rarely the parents had anything to do with it. I really felt a huge brick come off my back. I thought I had done this to him and it was all my fault.
I know this probably won’t help…believe me, I still have sob sessions about my son…but I just wanted to let you know that we, as mothers, are doing the best we can and we just simply have a more difficult child than others.
Take care!
I am so glad you are blogging. I feel this way sometimes when I am home all day with Avelyn on my days off and then I just feel terrible about it. Being a mom is hard, and I am so thankful there are a few people who right honestly about it. Thank God you can find a little bit of humor in it. It will get easier… so I hear.
Been lurking for a while– love your blog. :) Avelyn sounds SOO much like my 2.5 year old. She is an “extreme kid.” Always has been, and always will be, I’m pretty sure. I feel like my husband and I try SO HARD with her and she’s just… difficult. Complicated. Sensitive/tempermental. (She can be really sweet, too, but you know what I mean). I’m ashamed to admit that I have said “Why are you being such a brat?!” within the last week. Not the best parenting moment. Sigh. Good thing they’re so cute, right?
AMEN, sista!! I’m right there with you, in the same trenches. Our lives continue to be parallel. If only we could be drowning our sorrows in breakfast for dinner with very large mimosas together, my friend.
The Antartic part made me laugh too. I remember having total fights with my nephews when I lived with them and I’m just getting started with this whole parenting gig. Moira already sounds a bit like Avelyn somedays – I fear you are writing about my future.
It really is heartening to know that other mamas despair occasionally about their beloved (but oh so trying) kids. My five year old sweetheart who makes me pull out my hair . . sigh . . my charming but so very belligerent and contrary and difficult child .. . this too shall pass .. . . right?
Hey Amanda, hang in there. You have lots of good advice here. In a 3yr old the personality of being “strong willed” or stubborn isn’t always the best trait but as an older child/teen it may end up being one of the best traits to possess. She will be the leader and will not be easily persuaded to get into trouble. At least that is what I keep telling myself about one of my girls! I wish I had Supernanny when Delaney was younger!!!!!
I remember shortly after Ty was born thinking, “If this were a paying job, I’d quit.” I still feel that way from time to time…
I agree with Heidi: sounds like a leader in the making, as frustrating as it is right now.
Comments are closed.